I recently wrote about faith. I talked about how I am the mountain that needs to move out of my own way. I find this challenging most moments of most everyday. It’s a control thing. But I am learning to let go of that control and to allow.
And with these thoughts, here is what I’ve decided I want: I want to open my own school. I want to open a Montessori school, but I am scared shitless that it won’t work out. But then I if I really believe that faith isn’t about everything working out okay, but about being okay with the way things work out, then it doesn’t matter if my dream of opening a school fails miserably. Yikes. Thoughts that are running through my head right now? I’ll try it and I’ll run it into the ground. If I try it and then change my mind, it will prove, yet again, that I have no discipline or commitment. If I try and we don’t make any money, I’ll screw my family over.
As I am writing these thoughts I am now understanding why so many fathers and men work so hard to try and keep their families going. Men have had such a huge responsibility in our society (and so have women, but until recently, it has looked a lot differently). I had always looked at it before as the men in our lives having their priorities all wrong. I felt as if they were sacrificing being a “true” father for work or money. They were workaholics, and yes, many are. But that’s not all they are. They are also scared. Scared of losing control. Scared that they’ll prove to everyone they have no discipline or commitment. Scared that they’ll financially screw their family over. Scared that they have it all wrong.
They don’t. And, I don’t. I mean, we do – have it wrong. But we also have it right. We do what we know. We do what we can. And, we keep trying. So, I’m going to keep trying. I’m going to keep having faith, and I’m going to open a school. And if it closes before it even opens, I can confidently say that I’ve done what I can and I’m okay with the way it turns out. And, in closing (not of my school, but of my thoughts), I want to thank the men and fathers (especially mine) out there who have done what they know so that I can do the same.
- Jacqueline DeSelms-Wolfe
Jacqueline is currently a student at the School of Healing Arts and soon-to-be graduate.
To visit her blog please visit:
notsosupermomjq.blogspot.com – A life of a mom who wants it all and wants to be it all and is learning what that really means.