I hated traveling as a child.
It always felt like something terrible was going to happen to me or to whoever I left behind. The anxiety was often unbearable. I would throw up with motion sickness in the car, feel depressed when we arrived wherever we were going, and cry at every changing moment. All I wanted was to go home.
However, I also hated being home. Home felt dangerous and unpredictable. I kept busy and active and always doing something to deal with the anxiety. I just wanted to get out of there and go.
I always kept bus money to my aunt's house hidden in my drawer for me and my sisters in case a fast escape was needed. (I later found out there was no bus route that went to my aunt's house!)
I just couldn’t find home and peace.
Luckily I found my way to adventure and learned to love traveling and moving around. I had a long distance romance for three years. I went to school in NY for eight years. I loved traveling and backpacking in the West.
This same anxiety haunts me today as we prepare to move The Estuary offices to a new and beautiful home on June 16th. I am circling with questions: “What will it be like there?"; "I have traveled many roads with my students and clients here, will it be the same there?"; "How will we figure out to find 'home' at a new location?”
As anxiety with staff, students and clients have grown, so have my questions. Then I came upon this poem by Rainer Maria Rilke:
Love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms
Or books written in a foreign language.
Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given
To you now, because you would not be able
To live them.
And the point is to live everything.
Live the questions now.
Perhaps then, someday far in the future,
You will gradually,
Without even noticing it,
Live your way into the answer.
If I have learned nothing else in my life, it is that home is in living my way into the answers. The living provides the safety and constancy for which my heart and home longs.
Executive Director & Founder
The Estuary, Inc.