I have many times over my lifetime worried about being “crazy.”
That was a word we heard often as I was growing up. My mother called her older sister “crazy,” her sister in law “sick.” My ex-mother-in-law held her head and cried and cried daily over the death of her sister that occurred years and years earlier.
“I am like them,” I worried. “ I am like the crazy, sick ones!”
So in my early thirties I went to therapy. I am still working on my “mental health” but today I see it as self integration and self connection. I value the time and effort I spent integrating the painful and excluded parts of myself into a unified me.
As I have learned to forgive myself for being imperfect and a little crazy, I notice that I am more forgiving and compassionate with those different (or more like the disowned parts of myself). I offer many thanks to all of the helpers, workshops, and schools I have attended for all of these years. I think it all worked!
Today I find myself remembering endlessly playing in the crawl space under our house with my sisters, joyfully sitting on the doghouse with my sister as children planning to be missionaries together in some foreign country. I can see my Dad’s smile across a busy loud room of family. My ex-husband and his wife visited last week. I’ve known him since I was fourteen years old. He feels like family.
I realize that I have joy and clarity that comes from integrating childhood hurts, forgiving myself and others for mid-life suffering and relishing in great joy and inclusion the second half of my life.
Richard Rohr says I am enjoying in later life “second simplicity”. He says for some reason if we allow it, all becomes a strange and wonderfully integrated whole self that we call simple.
Maybe that’s just another way to be crazy, but I’m loving it.
Executive Director & Founder
The Estuary, Inc.