Relationship With Myself, by Susan Austin-Crumpton

I hate that I feel irritated and notice that the pictures hang crooked in my office and in my home. I wait in line at the grocery feeling none of the “goodness” of buying organic foods that others seem to be secretly smiling about.  I listen to a righteous diatribe about why “my smoking is not hurting anyone but myself” and I think of that person’s children, and parents, and spouse and friends.

I am judging, critical and negative.

When I am feeling this negativity, I am in relationship TO myself and other people instead of in relationship WITH myself and other people.  This is a sign that I am feeling separate, judgmental and alone; far away from relationship with myself and the Universe.  My intent is to be in relationship WITH, but instead I get stuck in preconceived ideas about what is “right” and “how things ought to be”.  I get stuck in how others or how I should believe in any given situation.

Relationship WITH occurs when I explore my own inner landscape of feelings and emotions.  Relationship WITH occurs when I join others as they enter into “not knowing” how they feel or who they are.

Cultivating a healthy relationship WITH what is going on in my head and my inner space is crucial to quieting the negativity that resounds when I am only in relationship TO.  I have been instructed by my society to be cruel in my relationship TO myself and to the messages inside my head.  I judge myself and then I judge my judgments!   I tell myself I’ve got a problem or that I AM the problem.

I want to give myself space and silence to find a resting place inside.  I want to know that I can never figure everything out in life with my intellect.  What works for me is feeling my way through my life not thinking my way through my life!

Today I am giving up the thought that if someone or something would change then I could change it.  Today I take responsibility for my own inner growth and change.  I am entering into relationship with my inner space and I rest and accept responsibility for my own awareness.

Susan Austin-Crumpton
Founder & Executive Director, The Estuary