Finding God, by Susan Austin-Crumpton

I often feared drowning in a flood as a child because we lived near the river.  It was a conclusion I came to all by my nine-year-old self that I never checked out with the many adults in my life.

My father worked two jobs and was very seldom home.  He seemed very far away and unavailable.  But somehow I created the fantasy that since he was in the Navy; he could swim and would save us if and when the flood came.  I remember falling soundly back to sleep in this far away fantasy of this non-present rescuer.

This fantasy morphed into my intellectualized God-image throughout my teenage years and into my adulthood.  I was devoted to a far-away and non-present judging god with the same childish emotional reality.

I had learned that God was a male who had nothing to do with my feelings or my body.  He was aloof, distant, and all-powerful.  If I were pretty enough, smart enough, or good enough He would save me and rescue me from the certain disasters that were headed my direction.

God was no longer a feeling but a collection of ideas.

Then I studied Kabbalah, Jewish Mysticism which includes an embodiment of the Feminine aspects of God.  I grew up Christian and still call myself a Christian but it was in the study of the Divine Feminine that I could begin to embody God.  It was in finding compassion for others and myself and in developing my creativity, my nurturing and my openness to growth that I began to know God.

My fantasy god was patriarchal and critical.  Always judging me for falling short of His expectations.  Now I realize that God simply desires my presence and I can enjoy my Beloved’s lovableness, worth and beauty as I am beginning to see me.

Realizing that I don’t need rescuing as my childish self believed.

What I need is Presence and then I rescue myself just fine!

Susan Austin-Crumpton
Founder & Executive Director, The Estuary