My mother died in 1995.
Yet her voice sounds in my mind over and over again with the same message from my childhood, adulthood and even after her death I still hear her saying, “Susan, don’t forget who you are!”
"Sometimes shadows are the only light we see."
- Leo Kotke
It was my birthday.
I was at a Leo Kotke concert with my sweet husband and family. The guitar music poured over me with quiet joy and contentment. I was happy, the venue was just right, we were sitting almost in front, and it felt intimate and joyful.
Before my mother died she said to me; “I wish you could stop trying to fix yourself! Why can’t you just be more like me?!”
I have a dining room cupboard filled with dishes and china from relatives who have long since died. I never fully thought about whose they were because my younger sister remembered it all.
She died six years ago.
I don’t like summer.
I know, I know! Most of you do like it! My husband loves it. He loves to be hot, to feel the sun, and the extended light of the long days.
I love rain, clouds and dark days. On those days I feel free and exempt from all duties. My soul feels free! Maybe it was because my Baptist Grandmother always gave herself permission not to go to church on the Sundays it rained. She believed being in the rain made one sick! So I have permission to make my own choices on dark rainy days.
Many years ago when I was on a silent retreat, I awoke in the morning with a loving sense of Holy Presence. This “answering angel” had no form, yet touched my heart tenderly and reached the core of my being. I had clear knowledge that everything that had happened to me in my past had happened for a reason. I set my path that day with a loving heart and pure intention.
I have never viewed the world in the same way since that moment.
This is a letter written to Estuary Founder and Executive Director, Susan Austin-Crumpton from Molly Brown, her student of many years:
I have felt compelled to write you all morning so that’s what I’m doing. I just have to share my experience with you and the second phase of what I believe are new beginnings. Last night when I got home I felt the most profound peace, warmth and gratitude that I have had in a long time thanks to The Estuary.