I, too, have many faults. I have spent a lifetime trying to rid myself of me. Many religious teachers told me I could change me and find God. Many spiritual teachers taught me that I could “transform” me into these powerful virtues. I used to have the fantasy that I could finally change myself, become more likeable, more kind, more good, more successful, more organized, more loved . . .MORE!
The following is my sixth entry in a series about the 12-step spiritual program of recovery.
Step 6 is found in Chapter 6 (Into Action), first paragraph on page 76 of The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. “We have emphasized willingness as being indispensable. Are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable? Can God now take them all – every one? If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing.”
The other day I was visiting at a friend’s house with several mutual friends. The cars piled up in her driveway and on the street. I decided I would brave it and park in a challenging spot next to her carport. It was one of those situations where I could get in but questioned myself on getting out.
During my visit, I mapped out in my head the 20- to 30-point turn I was going to have to make to get out of that spot. It literally was not going to require that but when I am in my head worrying about something, it usually gets exaggerated. My worry took over.
I was talking with a friend the other day. She was lamenting about waking in the middle of the night, thinking about things she needed to do. She has mastered her calendar and doesn’t miss appointments or meetings or events – it’s the daily, weekly, etc. tasks– buy bandaids, organize the coat closet for summer, drop the books at the library, write down something, finish a project, etc etc etc - that keep her awake (ugh! For me, a good night sleep is money in my immunity system bank!)
I understood; I told her I’d go nuts without my lists.
She answered that she doesn’t do lists – why not? – because the list never gets completely done and she feels like a failure.