When I entered into the divorce process many years ago, I had no idea that the divorce would take a few years. And then, of course, there was co-parenting. It was a stressful time. I was in such uncharted territory that confusion and overwhelm became my constant companion. There was so much that was out of my control, but what I could control was ME.
As I travel through plush lemony woods, I trip on life’s lemons just like anyone else. Sometimes it is comically obvious I cannot see the citrus for the forest.
Recently, I have been so overwhelmed, it seems as if part of my brain is offline. I bump into furniture which I normally navigate unharmed, and I feel like I am functioning outside of the normal timeline. I strain to consider my choices in these lemony situations, and yearn to make the proverbial lemonade. However, my juice has no sweetener. I am worn to a nub, as is my partner. Although we are ‘cup half full’ people, our cup has a leak, and I feel our lives rapidly draining out of it.
As a young woman I was terrified to stay alone in the house overnight. As the mother of two young children, I would bravely pretend confidence and bravado. One night when alone in the house, I lay awake listening to the sound of rustling leaves under my window imagining the footsteps of the intruder outside.
Fear paralyzed my body and my mind.
The other day I was visiting at a friend’s house with several mutual friends. The cars piled up in her driveway and on the street. I decided I would brave it and park in a challenging spot next to her carport. It was one of those situations where I could get in but questioned myself on getting out.
During my visit, I mapped out in my head the 20- to 30-point turn I was going to have to make to get out of that spot. It literally was not going to require that but when I am in my head worrying about something, it usually gets exaggerated. My worry took over.
This is the season for compassion. How can someone with ADD find compassion for themselves in a season filled with societal traditions that are difficult in the best of times and monumental during the holidays? One may really want to send holiday cards and yet never accomplish the task. Friends who visit may be handed letters left unfinished from the 1990's, or some bizarre craft project instead of the well-respected holiday card or invitation for coffee. Shame and guilt can pursue you like a storm cloud in a cartoon.