For some reason, cancer, the dreaded C word, has been a part of my life for a very long time. My mother had it. My father had it. One of my best friends had it.
Julia Cameron, the noted writer, talks about synchronicity …two or more things that are apparently unrelated or unlikely to occur by chance, yet are experienced as occurring together. In her book, The Artist’s Way, just as I was struggling with psychic pain so intense that I was lost as to what to do, I read Julia’s book it and came to a part that was so stunningly relevant to pain’s place in my life that I had to write it down.
One thing I have been told over and over again is that expectations can affect everything. I tend to always have overly optimistic expectations about any new endeavor I've started. When I first accepted this teaching position, I imagined the bliss and excitement of affecting students' lives. I imagined the summers off, ignoring the 9 months before actually having the summer off. I imagined that my all of my "honors level" students wouldn't give me any grief and that they all would be overachievers that would always turn in their homework on time.
I am fiercely in love with my family. My heart fills to overflowing when we are all gathered together, bumping into each other, irritating behaviors tolerated and affectionately respected because of the fierce love that abides as a mark of truth in all of us.
Since I was young, I have enjoyed reading greeting cards – good ones. I was drawn to the experience of saying what you want in the fewest amount of words. Poetry can be like that, but not always.
Being me. What in the world does that mean? I thought I was being me by being what other people wanted and expected me to be. I looked like I had it all: A good marriage, happy and healthy children, and I lived in a nice house with 2 nice cars. Actually, that worked for a long while. I looked at the content of my life and I thought, “I’ve done what I was suppose to do! Good job!” The problem was, I thought being the “good girl” and doing “what I was suppose to do” would mean I would be “HAPPY” too. But what I felt inside was restless, resentful, and angry.
“The easiest thing to be in the world is you. The most difficult thing to be is what other people want you to be.”
– Leo Buscaglia, a.k.a. “Dr. Love”