It is not enough for me to believe in love. I want to love fully. I don’t know how to do this, but I am learning. I am learning in small, seemingly insignificant ways.
Tuesday, Crying Again!
This morning I found my eighty-four-year-old mother sleeping with her legs hanging off one side of the bed. She has gotten much weaker and can't pull her legs up onto the bed anymore. She could last week, why not this week? She cries out in pain as I pull her to sitting position - I have to hold her back so she doesn't fall back on the bed. Everything with her is a chore - hard labor! I flinch when her pain makes her cry out. Her hip muscle has stretched from lying like that all night. I finally get her to her recliner and get some Tylenol down her throat. “Ouch, ouch, ouch, everything hurts” is the song she is constantly singing. I beg her to eat something but can only convince her to drink a little vitamin drink. So I sit down on the couch and my eyes well up with tears. I have a great urge to cry just like I cried yesterday morning. I don't know what to do and nobody else knows either. I am helpless and don't like being helpless - so I cry. I guess I am not the tough-guy I like to think I am.